Sunday, March 24, 2013

What is the hardest part of my day?


My self ishness

Which in turn makes the homeschooling part of my day VERY stressful.

I have recently acquired many additional letters after my name:

SAHM - Stay at Home Mom
HSM - Homeschooling Mom
AP - Adoptive Parent

Funny - that is almost as many letters as I acquired through school and testing -
BS - Bachelor of Science in Pharmacy
PharmD - Doctor of Pharmacy
BCPS - Board Certified Pharmacotherapy Specialist

So...I've gone from Deidra Simpson, BS, PharmD, BCPS to Mom, SAHM, HSM, AP

As a clinical pharmacist my favorite thing to do was teach... Even before getting my degree my heart was in teaching.  Being able to impact students lives forever with not only knowledge but possibly plant a seed, water it or if God allowed - to reap the harvest. 

Looking back it seems homeschooling should be easy and close to my heart... BUT
Homeschooling - Wow, well it is not easy.
Many days - it is HARD...
Not because I like teaching any less...
Hard because of my selfish heart and mind...

Thinking of all I could do if I were not homeschooling...
Thinking of how nice the personal recognition was with my work...
Thinking how comfortable life would be with more money...
or even if I wasn't working and not homeschooling -
Thinking how easy life would be to just enjoy our precious Meisi All day without interruption
Thinking how I could clean my house during nap time instead of "do school"...
Thinking how nice it would be to get a shower every day or check facebook or read or....

Just when I started to question if I'd made the right decision to homeschool...

One of my DTC facebook group friends (an amazing group of ladies who have supported each other throughout our adoption journeys and even after) posted a blog post on "Motherhood is a Calling."  Definitely worth reading in its entirety-

Lord, Forgive me...
All my barking at the kids...
All my fussiness...
All my whining...
All my selfishness...

Ughhh, the realization of why homeschooling has been so hard for me -
I have been embracing the world (self)...not the cross...

Her last paragraphs in that post -
"Give your life for theirs every day, joyfully. Lay down pettiness. Lay down fussiness. Lay down resentment about the dishes, about the laundry, about how no one knows how hard you work.
Stop clinging to yourself and cling to the cross. There is more joy and more life and more laughter on the other side of death than you can possibly carry alone"

Glimpses of change in my children that have brought joy - seen in the last few days:
Aili becoming more helpful
Ian becoming more protective of his sisters
Singing songs together rather than fighting over who gets to sing or what song to sing
Playing together for hours without arguing
Praying before meals without being asked
Truly caring if someone is hurt or upset
Ian teaching Meisi how to say "cross" as he showed her a picture of the cross.
Aili reading her Bible just because she wants to...
glimpses...  :)

Meisi LOVES having her big brother and sister to play with most of the day too. 
She really enjoys having her crayons and coloring books out while the kids are doing their math.
When they say, "Look Mommy", so I can check their work,
She says, "Look Mommy" and shows me all her scribbles in her coloring book. :) 
I am thankful for their help with her too - they love to help dress her, change her, carry her (even though she is almost as big as they are)...
Oh- and when they are laughing and dancing together (even without music playing) - JOY!!!

I still question so much about my method of homeschooling.
If I'm providing enough educational activity,
If they should be in more extra curricular activities,
If they are missing out on something,
and I probably always will.

Just as I frequently walked out of a classroom or away from leading a conference thinking -
I could have said this or
I should have explained it a different way..

Being a Stay at home, homeschooling, newly adoptive Mama is certainly not as self gratifying, financially rewarding or intellectually stimulating,
but knowing I have been called to be here at this time, teaching my little blessings, planting and watering those seeds -
it is bringing more joy than any job or profession could..
unspeakable joy...

Please pray with me that I can continue to run to the cross instead of toward my own selfish ambitions and desires.  Umm...and that I figure out what method to use when teaching and which curriculum to help support that. :) 

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